TRUMP AND DESANTIS - THE ORGAN GRINDER AND THE MONKEY

When Donald Trump decided to escape the Big Apple and call the Sunshine State his official home, it wasn’t because he loved the people of Florida. It was because he needed them. Or to put in perfect Trumpish simplicity, he knew that without those precious 29 electoral college votes, his re-election chances would disappear faster than a poodle snatched by a gator.

When he clinched the 2016 election by snatching Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Wisconsin, while the Hillary campaign wasn’t looking, winning Florida was just icing on his victory cake. But when those rust belt states began looking more and more like Biden country, Florida got elevated from luxury to necessity.

So, you might logically think that the “wartime president” of the United States and his obedient gator-state general would have spared nothing to construct an impenetrable anti-virus shield around every single Trump-leaning Florida voter, from Tallahassee to Key West. Or so you might think.

Of course, fearful, vulnerable residents of every state in this country would be grateful to receive an impenetrable anti-virus shield, and Floridians are certainly no exception. In fact, when it comes to actual need, they may be at or near the very top of that list.

According to the Kaiser Family Foundation, “Florida’s population is among the most at-risk in the nation. One in five residents is 65 or older. Between age and pre-existing health conditions, nearly half the state's population is at heightened risk of contracting the coronavirus.”

To make it even worse, over 2.5 million Florida residents are without health insurance. It did not have to be that way, but the previous governor, Republican, Rick Scott rejected Medicaid expansion. He had to. It was part of Obamacare and scrubbing the name Obama from the history books has been considered a sacred obligation of every “true” Republican.

As the economy continues to tank, job losses will continue to mount, and the number of uninsured will soar. Here is what we know, and what Trump and DeSantis should know -- If you are counting every nickel to put food on your family’s table or to keep a roof over their heads, you are unlikely to buy health insurance.

And, if you don’t have health insurance, and you get sick from COVID-19, you are less likely to go to a hospital until it’s too late, and when you are more apt to infect a hospital worker.

In February, Trump’s Florida poll numbers were underwater. 47% approved of his job as president, while 51% disapproved. Not what he was hoping for. But he did have a not-so-secret weapon.

That same February poll showed approval for DeSantis at 65% and disapproval at only 21%. Come November, the popular governor could sell the argument that Florida could ill afford having a Democrat in the White House. The DeSantis-Trump connection was working just fine. Don’t mess it up!

But the good old days of February are now a distant memory.

Through lies, denials, self-contradictions, breathtaking reversals, and mystifying inaction, Trump, aided by his loyal captains at Fox, and by that Medal of Freedom recipient, Rush Limbaugh, gave the monster virus a 6-week head start.

Donald Trump will own that death count, forever.

So, while Trump was busy being Trump, what was DeSantis doing to protect Floridians? What exactly was his strategy to flatten the infection curve?

Actually, he didn’t have one. But, would he at least do the obvious? Would he cancel Spring Break and close the beaches, restaurants, and bars? Nope! Instead of closing those social infection mega centers, he answered the call for crisis leadership by passing the buck to mayors and local governments. Some of them did the right thing and some did not.

Was he gambling that Floridians would be proud that their courageous governor stood firm in protecting the God-given right of residents and tourists to frolic on Florida’s beautiful beaches?

Meanwhile, the virus did what viruses do, except this virus does it on steroids – travel from one body to another, turning sickening or deadly in the bodies of the elderly, and those with pre-existing conditions.

On April 1st, under pressure from the scientists and the media, Trump finally made a phone call to DeSantis, who dutifully issued his stay-at-home order. Well, better late than never, but as Florida’s death toll mounts, Trump’s poll numbers will begin to fall, and for that, he will do what comes most naturally. He will blame DeSantis.

For months to come, story upon story will circulate about grieving family members who lost a loved one to a death that was avoidable – a loved one who would still be alive, if only our federal government was on par with South Korea and the governor of Florida was as competent and courageous as the governor of California.

Ron DeSantis’s previously high poll numbers had prompted serious talk of his possible candidacy for president in 2024. Then he gambled with the lives he was hired protect. Make no mistake about it, there will be a DeSantis death toll that will follow him to the end of his term and to the end of his life.

Oh, one more thing. Hurricane season arrives on June 1^st. Can Governor DeSantis possibly handle one or more devastating hurricanes on top of the raging storm that he helped fuel?

That’s, of course, a rhetorical question. I know the answer, and so do you. Though, for the sake of Florida, I sincerely hope we are wrong.

Please remember that the most important storm of our lifetime will arrive on Election Day, November 3^rd. In this case, there will be no calm before the storm, but there will certainly be calm after it.

Until then, on behalf of the Anti-Trumpism Coalition of Democrats, Independents, and the American Wing of the Republican Party, stay sheltered!

Bruce Coltin

Surviving Trump Two Minutes at a Time

WATCHING THE TRUMP-REPUBLICAN SLOW-MOTION CAR CRASH

From the moment he got his hands on the car keys, he has been taking us on a terrifying ride. All around me, I see people who are frightened to death that the ride will go on for five and a half more years, careening out of control, mowing down the monuments and institutions built and maintained by good and great men and women he couldn’t be bothered to read about.

As we helplessly watch from the sidelines, we wonder how much wreckage will be discovered when the rescue team and the cleanup crew are finally sent in. It will be a while before we know the full extent of the damage.

There are those who believe that each day of reckless unpredictability, at the hands of a madman, confirms their belief that the world has spun irretrievably out of control. Intelligent bystanders are understandably distraught. I get it.

We are all suffering from Trump-induced: What will he do next? syndrome. Trump taunts us with his assurance that he will remain in the White House short of actually shooting someone on Fifth Avenue.

Being exempt from all rules and laws is central to his reality.

But reality is not like real estate. Trump does not own it, even if he thinks he does. It is reality that the electorate today is not what it was on election day 2016 and will steadily continue its demographic shift beyond election day 2020.

At eye level, this sea change is barely visible, so Trump can’t or won’t see it, and there is certainly no hint of it at Mar-a-Lago. The browning of America is happening every day, as we move closer to becoming a majority-minority country by 2045.

Had Black voters turned out in Obama numbers, Trump would not be president. Black voters were highly motivated to turn out at the polls and elect the first Black president, and they were highly motivated to turn out in record numbers to defeat the despicable Roy Moore in deep red Alabama. They will be equally motivated to show up, in record numbers, and cast votes against the man who is maniacally dedicated to erasing the Obama presidency.

For Trump’s presidency, Charlottesville is an indelible stain. The President of the United States stood before the cameras and essentially announced to white supremacists: Don’t worry guys. I’ve got your back. Donald Trump will not just be running against the Democratic candidate. He will be pressed to run away from David Duke, the KKK, and the tiki torch bigots, but he will not find the will to disavow the racist thugs who view him as their savior.

It is surprising to some that the electorate has gotten younger − surprising due to the reality that young people do not exercise their right to vote.

But this group, which used to remain silent on election day, dramatically broke their silence in the 2018 midterms, contributing to the Democrats’ landslide victory. Who knew that growing up with the fear of being shot to death in their school room would turn into political action, which I think of as the Parkland Affect − articulate, fed-up, young leaders on a mission, traveling the country and wielding the power of social media to register voters and hold NRA-fueled politicians accountable.

In the most recent survey, taken by the Pew Research Center, those born between 1981 and 1996 identified with or leaned toward Democrats by a 27-point margin, 59% to 32%. They could not be making it any clearer that the reality of gun violence, climate change, and destruction of the environment − which appear to be invisible to the Trump-Republican business club − are bad for their generation.

Many white college-educated women woke up to the 2016 election results with shock, horror, and remorse − especially the ones who voiced their dissatisfaction with Hillary by sitting out the election or by showing up and casting a protest vote, knowing that Hillary would win anyway.  

Today, as the Pew survey tells us, 56% of all women voters identify or lean Democratic, while only 37% identify or lean Republican. That 56% is up 4 percentage points since 2015. Republicans’ current all-out attack on Planned Parenthood and reproductive rights will turbo charge that trend and further guarantee the voter enthusiasm missing in 2016.

The same survey found that 48% of men identify with or lean Republican, while 44% identify or lean Democratic. That number hasn’t budged since 2014. The exclusive club, known as the Republican Party, continues to re-enforce its brand as old, white, and male, leaving it perfectly positioned for the presidential campaign of 1952.

But Trump does have an unshakably loyal base of supporters, and the most unshakable and most powerful segment of that base are white evangelical Christians. But here’s the problem: according to the Public Religion Institute, evangelical Christians have dropped from about 21% of the population in 2008 to 15% this year, with “younger and better-educated members becoming the most likely to leave the faith.”  

What is the obvious reality? Young people will vote Democratic unless the Party stops listening to them. If the Party truly gives them a seat at the table − a table they will eventually own − the small tent Republican Party will soon be able to downsize to a much smaller tent.

Meanwhile, the stonewalling of House subpoenas will run out of gas in the courts, Robert Mueller will testify publicly, and all the other investigations into every corner of the Trump criminal enterprise will continue to reveal the unvarnished truth to every open American mind.

And this, my friends, is how the joy ride ends in 2020. No, he will not go quietly. He will of course be the victim of conspiratorial forces led by angry Hillary lovers, operating within a rigged system. He will troll the next president. He may sue everyone. He may threaten a comeback. Fox News will keep alive his alternative reality.

And as the sun comes up, we will begin the process of sweeping the broken glass from the streets and sidewalks, scrubbing off the graffiti, and putting the stop signs back where they belong.

And we will breathe, just breathe.

MUELLERS HERE, MUELLERS THERE, MUELLERS, MUELLERS EVERYWHERE!

Remember when your ex-friend told you that Donald Trump was playing chess while everyone else was playing checkers? If you thought Trump was unintelligent, it was because you were failing to see his long game.

There certainly are chess players in this surreal drama where we now live, but none of them are named Donald Trump. Vladimir Putin is playing chess. Kim Jong-un is playing chess, and thankfully, Robert Mueller has been playing chess from the moment he was appointed special counsel.

Remember when we were afraid Donald Trump would fire Robert Mueller? Or that he would order Rod Rosenstein to do the dirty job? Remember when he tried so hard to discredit the Mueller team by branding them as 17 angry Democrats, even though most are registered Republicans?

It seems like ages ago that Matthew Whitaker would either fire Mueller or clip his wings by defunding the investigation or limiting its scope. It seems like years ago that William Barr would stop the investigation in its tracks by declaring it out of bounds the very moment he was sworn in as attorney general.

But that was yesterday, and this plot never pauses long enough for the audience to take a breath.

To his small credit, Donald Trump has always been afraid of Robert Mueller, but this is not fear based on deductive reasoning. In his heart, Donald Trump knows that he is incapable of comprehending the use of strategy. He is intellectually limited to instinctive moves. He knows to fear Mueller like a cocky hyena knows to fear a relentless lion, sensing that he is being stalked by a superior predator.

He smells it. And now, he shows it. We can see it in his eyes and hear it in his devolving speech.

Mueller did what Trump would never be able to imagine, because it does not exist in Trump’s universe. Mueller made himself dispensable. He did this by making more Muellers.

In a simultaneous chess exhibition, a superior chess player, or grandmaster, will play as many as 40 or 50 opponents at one time, by moving from one chess board to the next after making a move.

Now imagine that instead of a grandmaster, the lone player is one who cannot think beyond the immediate present. And imagine that his opponents are sharing information amongst themselves to help them prepare for their next moves.

At one table sits the Southern District of New York, nicknamed the Sovereign District of New York because of their reputation of independence, relentlessness, and track record in taking down high-profile criminals.

Sharing the next table are the Attorney General for the State of New York and the Manhattan District Attorney. A presidential pardon works for federal crimes, but not for state crimes. Do you think that career white collar criminals like Donald Trump and Paul Manafort cheat on their federal tax returns but not on their state tax returns? Is it likely that the Trump Organization and the Trump family meticulously operated within state and local laws? Look no further than to the Trump Foundation and Trump University for the answer to that question.

Now, as Michael Cohen and the future witnesses named by Cohen, lead to more House investigations by more U.S. attorneys, more attorneys general, and more district attorneys who will take their places in the most important chess tournament that has ever taken place – important legally, politically, and morally.

And what are the stakes?

Well, let’s start with the future of the Trump presidency, the survival of the Trump business empire, the freedom of Donald Trump Jr., Eric Trump, Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner. When lawbreaking is allowed to become your privileged routine, you don’t do less of it. In fact, you stop giving it a second thought.

What is giving them a second thought are those sealed indictments that await Mueller’s decision to unseal them – at the time of his choosing. They are all part of Mueller’s unrevealed long game.

Donald Trump is feeling his powerlessness. His rambling two-hour speech at CPAC smelled of desperation. His failures on the world stage have shattered his “Only I can fix it.” myth, just when he needed it the most.

Publicly referring to Apple’s Tim Cook as Tim Apple is just another poetic reminder that the man who went to such great lengths to conceal his grades and S.A.T. scores is as ill prepared to handle the escalating chess attacks as he was to assume the lofty position that he never really wanted.

Just think! Instead of taking second prize, he could have had Trump Tower Moscow. As the man himself would say, Sad! Very SAD!

A TALE OF TWO FIXERS (OR FIXERS WHO NEED FIXERS)

Ray Donovan is a fictional character. Please keep that in mind. Ray drives a cool Mercedes, wears expensive suits, and has a drawer full of Rolex watches. Maybe not every one of them is a Rolex. Maybe some of them are more expensive than a Rolex. I have no idea. The point is that Ray Donovan is just about the coolest tough guy you would ever meet.

Cool as he is, you would not want to meet him if you were causing problems for one of his employers, like a big law firm or a movie star or a rich professional athlete, etc. etc. etc. Ray gets hired by the rich and famous to make problems go away. He will do what his employer can’t do, which might mean a duffle bag full of cash, an envelope full of compromising photos, or a very convincing threat of bodily harm.

Michael Cohen dubbed himself Donald Trump’s Ray Donovan. Every kid should have a role model.

Presidential candidate, Donald Trump had a pesky little problem with a porn star. His lawyer and fixer, Michael Cohen made the problem go away. End of story!

Well, not quite!

The silenced porn star came strolling onto center stage, arm-in-arm with the lawyer from Hell. And now, Michael “the fixer” Cohen has an influence peddling problem, which happens to include – you won’t believe this -- a Russia connection!

Now the ex-fixer, himself, has been silenced and will likely remain silenced until he decides to sing like a canary to stay out of prison. Michael Cohen – a fixer no more -- will need to find a new claim to fame, not to mention a new fictional role model.

Fortunately, the president has found a new fixer.

Enter Rudy Giuliani!

Finally, the president has the defender he needs and deserves – a former legendary prosecutor and associate of Robert Mueller, a former legendary crime-busting mayor, and the hero whose strength and calm under fire guided New York in the aftermath of 9/11.

And more importantly, a combative personality who could go on television news shows with a big (and strange) smile, and slap down biased interviewers, who are on a mission to trick Trump surrogates into telling the truth.

Oh, and one more thing: a man who has perfected the skill of answering any tough question by adding the line “Hilary did worse and she didn’t go to jail.”

As you know, Rudy got off to a rather rocky start. First he contradicted the president’s claim that he didn’t know about the $130,000 payoff to Stormy Daniels. Then he tried to explain why the contradiction wasn’t really a contradiction. Then he explained that he was new on the job and wasn’t quite up to speed on the facts.

It was important for us to know that the president did nothing illegal and despite appearances, he was not trying to influence the election, and Hilary did a lot worse and didn’t go to jail.

So, seeing the mounting confusion and increased legal jeopardy, his employer had to step in and fix it, as only he could. Here’s what the great communicator said:

“When Rudy made the statements – Rudy’s great – but Rudy had just started and wasn’t totally familiar with everything.”

“We love Rudy, he’s a special guy. What he really understands is, this is a witch hunt. He understands that probably better than anybody … but when he made certain statements, he just started yesterday.”

And that pretty much explains it. Don’t you think?

Of course there is more. The Rudy Reality Show is still going strong. But that is for another two minutes.

PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS A YOUNG MAN

John Miller really admired Donald Trump – and I mean, really admired Donald Trump. You could hear it in his voice.

In 1991, when People Magazine reporter, Sue Carswell placed a phone call to Donald Trump to get a scoop on an upcoming story, she lucked out when John Miller returned her call. John Miller said he was “sort of handling PR.” For a sort of handler of PR, he had an awful lot of information to share about Donald Trump’s very public personal life.

If you listen to the tape recording of the phone call or read the transcript, you will see that John Miller did not sound smooth, prepared or professional. For a publicist, he was surprisingly inarticulate and rambling.

But he did have very clear intentions.

He wanted to set the record straight on the breathtaking love life of his employer, Donald Trump.

The People Magazine story should tell readers that in divorcing his wife, Ivana, Donald Trump had been very generous, even though he didn’t have to be so generous. She and her lawyer were clearly trying to get around the terms of his prenuptial agreement. And the judge was helping them.

But Donald prevailed. Donald Trump always prevailed.

It was also important for readers to know that Ivana wanted to get back together with him, even though she had recently said the exact opposite in an interview with Barbara Walters. That falsehood needed to be set straight.

And now he had broken up with Marla Maples, but that didn’t have anything to do with her. It was just that it was “too soon after his divorce” for him to “be making a commitment.” But he was going to be very good to Marla. And everyone should know that the ring he bought her was definitely “never an engagement ring,” even though it was being falsely reported that way in the press.

Even back in those days, the press was often unfair to Donald Trump, but in this case, that was okay because Donald Trump was “immune” to bad press. In fact it was better than okay because if he had gotten a lot of good press, Ivana and her lawyer would have known that Donald had weathered his financial set-backs and was now “doing well financially and in every other way,” and it would have cost him more to settle his divorce, because Ivana would have held out for a better deal.

So, the press played right into his hands, and it all worked in Donald Trump’s favor.

And to set the record straight on his supposed engagement to Marla, the next time he goes into a jewelry store to buy a gift for a woman, he will not make the mistake of buying a ring, because of how that can be misinterpreted, presumably by lawyers, judges, and future girl friends as being a marriage commitment.

He was capable of learning from his mistakes.

And about his budding relationship with model, Carla Bruni, “she is very beautiful,” “they are great friends,” and her father is “one of the richest men in Europe.”

But we should not expect to see an exclusive relationship develop with Carla because, as publicist, John Miller explained to Sue Carswell:

“…I think he’s got a whole open field really. A lot of people really. A lot of people that you write about…really are, I mean they call. They just call. Actresses, people that you write about just call to see if they can go out with him and things.”

Oh, and Madonna wanted to date him, but he really wasn’t interested. We should know that. We should! Stop rolling your eyes!

And one more piece of bad reporting, depriving the public of an important truth, was a story that Donald wanted to go out with Madonna, when in reality, Donald Trump wasn’t interested in Madonna. Got it?

To truly understand the mind of Donald Trump (and who doesn’t?), you have to appreciate its complexity. And this historically important interview about the man and his women, gives us a glimpse of that complexity – especially this, according to John Miller:

 “[Carla] is a very successful model, etc., etc. But again, he didn’t leave Marla for her. He just wants [indiscernible], he does things for himself. He leaves for himself, he does things for himself. He, when he makes the decision, that will be a very lucky woman. But he’s not going to do that until he makes the decision. You know, when he makes the decision. He’s very capable of total commitment when he makes the decision. But he felt it’s too soon. Off the record, he probably felt Marla wasn’t the right one, or whatever, but he just felt it was too soon.”

 If you do not know how this interview turned out, it might have hit you by now that the rather scattered delivery of John Miller is strangely similar to the very scattered delivery of Donald Trump.

And the reason for this similarity is that John Miller actually was Donald Trump pretending to be the completely fictitious John Miller, speaking on behalf of Donald Trump.

When presidential candidate, Donald Trump was confronted with the tape of this fascinating, but disturbing, phone interview from his past, he of course set the record straight:

“…it doesn’t sound like my voice at all. I have many, many people that are trying to imitate my voice and then you can imagine that, and this sounds like one of those scams, one of the many scams – doesn’t sound like me.”

So, are you going to believe him or your lying ears?

I blew past my two minutes. Sorry, I just had to.

Hear the John Miller Interview

Read the transcript of the interview

NO ROOM FOR DESSERT!

It is really not fair when spectacularly encouraging news happens within a few days of other spectacularly encouraging news. Before you are finished celebrating and savoring the first mood booster, you have another and maybe even better one to begin digesting. Think of when the waiter ruined your perfect dining experience by bringing your amazing entrée while you were still enjoying your amazing appetizer.

So, you find out that the FBI raided the office, home, and hotel room of Michael Cohen, Trump’s personal attorney. Holy cow! Did anyone see that coming? What incriminating treasures are now in the hands of America’s lawmen?

And then, Paul Ryan, the most powerful enabler in government announces his retirement, making that promised blue wave look even bigger and bluer. At another time, this story would be huge, and there would so much to talk about, but living as we do in a 3-ring Trumpian circus, it can be difficult to keep your eyes on the fire-eater, while another performer is sticking his head in a tiger’s mouth.

Like I said, it’s not fair.

But, back to the Cohen treasure chest.

Michael Cohen, the self-proclaimed fixer, was apparently doing much more fixing than lawyering.

Fortunately for us, he is a very sloppy fixer.

He missed getting his client’s signature on the Stormy Daniels non-disclosure agreement, possibly nullifying the NDA. Oops!

Now we know that he brokered a $1.6 million hush-money deal for Elliott Broidy, RNC deputy fundraising chair who made the completely understandable mistake of impregnating a Playboy Playmate, who was also not his wife. Did the fixer really think this would stay fixed?

So Broidy was forced to resign, following in the equally creepy footsteps of former RNC fundraising chair, Steve Wynn. But that is not the priceless, museum quality treasure unearthed in the raid on the president’s sloppy fixer.

Nope! There is something bigger and much more precious.

There just might be solid evidence that Michael Cohen lied about a very important matter – a matter of Russian collusion in the 2016 presidential election.

The famous Christopher Steele dossier claimed that Michael Cohen was in Prague in late August or early September of 2016 for the purpose of meeting with Russian hackers to discuss paying for their services without leaving a trace of those payments.

Michael Cohen reacted immediately to this report, by stating: “I have never been to Prague in my life.” He even showed a picture of his passport to prove it. Does the Mueller team have proof that he was in Prague? Do they have proof that he met with Russian hackers? Do they have proof that payments were made?

And will Michael “the Fixer” Cohen do as he once bragged by “taking a bullet” for Donald Trump?

Or will Michael Cohen, decide not to spend the rest of his life in prison and do what mobster, Sammy “the Bull” Gravano did to his boss, John Gotti, and testify against Donald Trump?

That would truly be a Fantasy Flip!

I can’t believe my two minutes are up, and I haven’t even mentioned the name, Comey.

THE FANTASY FLIP

If you are using up far too much time, energy, and optimism trying to survive Trump, then you are of course rooting, along with me, for the Trump presidency not to survive. The day has long passed when we had some hope that the man would grow in office. Of course, he has grown – grown more reckless, more childish, more thoughtless, more vindictive, and more frightened of being caught, exposed, prosecuted, and punished.

We now know that this will get worse before it gets better. It is as though he has shifted into a gear we didn’t know he had.

I do not know when or how he will completely unravel, but when he does it will probably be at breath-taking speed.

You can bet that we will eventually see the tax returns. We will see proof of his businesses running on secret Russian loans and laundered Russian rubles. We will see him for the criminal that he has always been, rather than his self-constructed myth of the shrewd businessman, whose success was due to his supposed “brilliance,” and his mastery of the art of the deal.

No! Success came from selling his empty soul to a Russian devil.

We all will see him pay.

Al Capone did not get locked up for murder, extortion, or bootlegging. He went to prison for the victimless crime of tax evasion. I am sure that some of his victims and their family members felt that justice had not been served. But Capone died in prison, where he had begun to lose his mind due to syphilis – an acceptable happy ending for most ordinary, decent members of society.

A modern day and equally infamous mob boss, John Gotti, aka: the Dapper Don, also died in prison. He became boss of the Gambino crime family by murdering Frank Castellano, the man who was then occupying that position.

Gotti’s other  nickname was the Teflon Don, for his success in swaggering out of court rooms after juries would fail to convict him for crimes he had obviously committed.

That changed when Sammy “The Bull” Gravano, Gotti’s underboss, enforcer, and confidant, decided that rather than spend the rest of his life in prison, he would testify against his boss in exchange for a sweetheart deal – a very controversial sweetheart deal.

Sammy the Bull had murdered nineteen people, leaving nineteen circles of angry family members and friends who would see their justice denied. There would be justifiable blow back. Signing off on that deal would take an individual who would not be swayed by anything standing in the way of locking up the arrogant, defiant, "you will never convict me" mob boss.

The man who would not be swayed was the U.S. Assistant Attorney General for the Criminal Division of the Department of Justice -- the quiet man, Robert Mueller.

For all those driven to see John Gotti put behind bars, Sammy the Bull was their Fantasy Flip – a Fantasy Flip turned into reality.

So my fellow Trump survivors, who would be your Fantasy Flip?

If you don’t already have one, I suggest you put it near the top of your to-do list. It just might help you stay positive, while you are waiting for justice.

I will tell you my Fantasy Flip, but that will have to wait until my next two minutes.

A QUICK SEX SCANDAL REVIEW OF THE PARTY IN POWER

There is a lot to cover here, and because I am limited to two minutes, I will have to talk fast. So please pay attention.

Number One on The Hit Parade: Stormy Daniels, Of Course!

Thanks to her never-letting-up lawyer, Michael Avenatti, who keeps his client under the spotlight, with legal maneuvers and schoolyard taunts of the Orange Man and the Orange Man’s hatchet man, Michael Cohen, Stormy’s smiling face (and other famous parts) are just about inescapable. Avenatti is having fun with this. Stormy is having fun with this. Donald Trump, not so much.

The Best Trophy Girlfriend Award: Playboy Model, Karen McDougal.

For ten months, until she says that she broke it off, she was his mistress. Normally, it’s bad P.R. for a married man to be traveling around with a woman who is not his wife, instead of with the woman who is his wife. Fortunately, this president makes his own alternative P.R. -- which is just fine for those who enjoy alternative facts.

The Unappreciative Apprentice Award: Summer Zervos.

She says that Donald Trump didn’t just say, “You’re fired!” he made unwanted sexual advances. He says she’s a liar. Now, she is suing for defamation of character. The courts said the suit can proceed. When it does, there will be a discovery phase. When Paula Jones sued Bill Clinton, it was the discovery phase that led to Monica Lewinski’s icky dress. And that is what led to Bill Clinton’s impeachment.

The Bizarre Hypocrisy Award: Tim Murphy.

This Pennsylvania Republican, a vehemently anti-abortion lawmaker, was forced to resign after it was revealed that, upon learning that his mistress was pregnant with his child, he tried to coerce her into having an abortion. Apparently, abortion had its place, when it came to protecting his own self-important backside. The special election to fill his seat resulted in a shockwave win by Democrat, Conor Lamb.

The “That is Definitely Not My Job Description” Award: Trent Franks.

This Republican Arizona lawmaker was forced to resign after it was revealed that he approached  female staff members with a request that one of them agree to act as a surrogate by carrying his child – presumably utilizing the fun method of impregnation. 

The “I Really Thought This Was Part of My Benefits Package” Award: Patrick Meehan.  

Compared with the other members of this club, it might not seem like such a big deal that this Republican lawmaker settled his sexual harassment claim brought by a female aide by paying her off with taxpayer money (which the House kept secret until House women forced open the closet door), but he made the list because he had to resign his position on the House Committee on…wait for it…wait for it…The House Committee on ETHICS! He will not be seeking re-election.

The Creepiest Judge in History Award: Roy Moore.

He almost made it to Congress as Alabama’s replacement for Jeff Sessions. I think when you get thrown out of a shopping mall for having a history of stalking young girls, you probably shouldn’t go to Congress, or ever have presided over a trial, or ever be allowed within twenty feet of an elementary school.

Of course there have been some recent sex-related scandals in the Democratic Party. But, none of them possess the entertaining weirdness of those on this special list. Democrats will take back the House in November. And some of them will behave badly. Let’s not forget to skewer them when they do.

But, until then, I just need to survive Trump.

My timer just sounded. It was set for exactly two minutes.

THIS COULD GET INTERESTING!

Trump is a no-rules street fighter. He will kick, bite, spit, smash your head with a rock, taunt you, hide brass knuckles under his glove, and stomp on your face when you are down and unable to get up. Then, he will stand over your supine body and gloat.

If you choose to take him on, and you have your own personal code of conduct, you are likely to lose. You may observe gentlemanly rules, or a sense of mercy, or may fear becoming or even appearing to become the animal that Trump, the street fighter, is.

And you will have played into his hands. You see him as a dirty fighter. He sees you as weak, because you don’t have what it takes to be dirty enough to win.

Strength is prominent in Trump’s mental word cloud.

What other candidate can you think of, who in a televised debate with his female opponent would have paraded-in her husband’s female sex crime accusers? You cannot think of one, can you?

Jeff Flake is clearly disgusted, but there is no street fighter in Jeff Flake or Bob Corker, or Jeb Bush, or Mitt Romney, or any other decent Republican, whose stomach turns with each insult, firing, and reckless tweet.

So how do we survive Trump when, every day, we are subjected to the street fighter’s sucker punches on our democracy and its institutions? How do we hang in there when the mid-term elections seem years away and when Mueller and his band of untouchables methodically do their detective work behind an unmovable curtain, providing us with little instant gratification?

If politicians cannot or will not get down and dirty to take on the Menace-in-Chief, who will?

Maybe a lawyer will.

Not just any lawyer, but one who delights in outmaneuvering opposing lawyers.

Not just any lawyer, but one who will say and do whatever it takes, stopping short of being Trump-ugly.

Not just any lawyer but one who loves the adrenaline rush.

Not just any lawyer but one who has the perfect client for his mission.

Enter Michael Avenatti!

He is a lawyer who loves the big stage, loves to provoke his opponents, and loves playing high stakes chess with the law.

He is a classier street fighter.

He represents Stormy Daniels.

And he drives race cars at Le Mans and Daytona. Could Donald Trump race a car at 190 miles per hour in the pouring rain?

Probably not, but maybe that’s an apt metaphor for where he is taking the country.

Avenatti and Stormy Daniels are on 60 Minutes this Sunday. He has talked-up this interview all week, but has been tight-lipped on any blockbusters that might be revealed.

He just might top 190, so you are advised to buckle up!

And this is the end of my exhausting two minutes.

TRUMP IS OUTRAGED AND YOU SHOULD BE TOO!

Under the heading of The United States of America Trying to Survive Trump (excluding the 35 to 40 percent who still like him, love him, or just don’t want to think about how they voted for Freddy Krueger), it has been an especially hectic week.

Porn star, Stormy Daniels picks up steam.

Bob Mueller crosses “the red line,” subpoenaing Trump Organization records.

Trump fires his secretary of state, Rex Tillerson – by Twitter.

Porn star, Stormy Daniels picks up steam. Sorry, I had to say that one more time.

Democrat, Conor Lamb wins a very big special election in a deep red district in Pennsylvania.

Because of those big stories, it is possible that you missed this small gem:

So, Donald Trump was in Missouri, giving a fundraising speech. You know that trade reciprocity is big with the Donald. He uses that term a lot. Reciprocity is really not his word, but he likes saying it. Fairness is his word. I think Stephen Miller probably gave him reciprocity. Stephen Miller strikes me as a reciprocity guy, not a fairness guy.

Anyway, Donald Trump needed to deliver his specialty punch, kind of the Joe Frazier left hook to the side of the head. This specialty punch bangs home the fact that we are a country of pathetic suckers, because every president before him was either too stupid or too chicken to negotiate a good trade deal for America.

So, how do you think Japan manages to keep U.S. car companies from getting a foothold in the Japanese market?

It’s simple and brilliant. It’s the Bowling Ball Test.

As Trump explained to his audience, “Somebody takes a bowling ball and drops it from twenty feet up in the air onto the hood of a car. If the hood dents, the car doesn’t qualify.”

He went on say, “It’s horrible the way they treat us. It’s horrible!”

I don’t know if there has been an official response from the Japanese government, but I think it’s safe to say that they are still in the head-scratching phase.

As for me, I am waiting until there’s video. I’ll bet those trade-riggers didn’t drop a bowling ball on a Chevy Tahoe. I think the Tahoe would have passed. It’s a big solid car. If Trump were a car, he might be a Tahoe -- gold plated, of course.

Nobody is sure where he got this story, and with strange news dropping fast, there is no time to figure it out.

Sarah Sanders said that he was "obviously joking." She says that a lot.

And it's good enough for me.

And that is my two minutes, for now.