A TALE OF TWO FIXERS (OR FIXERS WHO NEED FIXERS)

Ray Donovan is a fictional character. Please keep that in mind. Ray drives a cool Mercedes, wears expensive suits, and has a drawer full of Rolex watches. Maybe not every one of them is a Rolex. Maybe some of them are more expensive than a Rolex. I have no idea. The point is that Ray Donovan is just about the coolest tough guy you would ever meet.

Cool as he is, you would not want to meet him if you were causing problems for one of his employers, like a big law firm or a movie star or a rich professional athlete, etc. etc. etc. Ray gets hired by the rich and famous to make problems go away. He will do what his employer can’t do, which might mean a duffle bag full of cash, an envelope full of compromising photos, or a very convincing threat of bodily harm.

Michael Cohen dubbed himself Donald Trump’s Ray Donovan. Every kid should have a role model.

Presidential candidate, Donald Trump had a pesky little problem with a porn star. His lawyer and fixer, Michael Cohen made the problem go away. End of story!

Well, not quite!

The silenced porn star came strolling onto center stage, arm-in-arm with the lawyer from Hell. And now, Michael “the fixer” Cohen has an influence peddling problem, which happens to include – you won’t believe this -- a Russia connection!

Now the ex-fixer, himself, has been silenced and will likely remain silenced until he decides to sing like a canary to stay out of prison. Michael Cohen – a fixer no more -- will need to find a new claim to fame, not to mention a new fictional role model.

Fortunately, the president has found a new fixer.

Enter Rudy Giuliani!

Finally, the president has the defender he needs and deserves – a former legendary prosecutor and associate of Robert Mueller, a former legendary crime-busting mayor, and the hero whose strength and calm under fire guided New York in the aftermath of 9/11.

And more importantly, a combative personality who could go on television news shows with a big (and strange) smile, and slap down biased interviewers, who are on a mission to trick Trump surrogates into telling the truth.

Oh, and one more thing: a man who has perfected the skill of answering any tough question by adding the line “Hilary did worse and she didn’t go to jail.”

As you know, Rudy got off to a rather rocky start. First he contradicted the president’s claim that he didn’t know about the $130,000 payoff to Stormy Daniels. Then he tried to explain why the contradiction wasn’t really a contradiction. Then he explained that he was new on the job and wasn’t quite up to speed on the facts.

It was important for us to know that the president did nothing illegal and despite appearances, he was not trying to influence the election, and Hilary did a lot worse and didn’t go to jail.

So, seeing the mounting confusion and increased legal jeopardy, his employer had to step in and fix it, as only he could. Here’s what the great communicator said:

“When Rudy made the statements – Rudy’s great – but Rudy had just started and wasn’t totally familiar with everything.”

“We love Rudy, he’s a special guy. What he really understands is, this is a witch hunt. He understands that probably better than anybody … but when he made certain statements, he just started yesterday.”

And that pretty much explains it. Don’t you think?

Of course there is more. The Rudy Reality Show is still going strong. But that is for another two minutes.

A QUICK SEX SCANDAL REVIEW OF THE PARTY IN POWER

There is a lot to cover here, and because I am limited to two minutes, I will have to talk fast. So please pay attention.

Number One on The Hit Parade: Stormy Daniels, Of Course!

Thanks to her never-letting-up lawyer, Michael Avenatti, who keeps his client under the spotlight, with legal maneuvers and schoolyard taunts of the Orange Man and the Orange Man’s hatchet man, Michael Cohen, Stormy’s smiling face (and other famous parts) are just about inescapable. Avenatti is having fun with this. Stormy is having fun with this. Donald Trump, not so much.

The Best Trophy Girlfriend Award: Playboy Model, Karen McDougal.

For ten months, until she says that she broke it off, she was his mistress. Normally, it’s bad P.R. for a married man to be traveling around with a woman who is not his wife, instead of with the woman who is his wife. Fortunately, this president makes his own alternative P.R. -- which is just fine for those who enjoy alternative facts.

The Unappreciative Apprentice Award: Summer Zervos.

She says that Donald Trump didn’t just say, “You’re fired!” he made unwanted sexual advances. He says she’s a liar. Now, she is suing for defamation of character. The courts said the suit can proceed. When it does, there will be a discovery phase. When Paula Jones sued Bill Clinton, it was the discovery phase that led to Monica Lewinski’s icky dress. And that is what led to Bill Clinton’s impeachment.

The Bizarre Hypocrisy Award: Tim Murphy.

This Pennsylvania Republican, a vehemently anti-abortion lawmaker, was forced to resign after it was revealed that, upon learning that his mistress was pregnant with his child, he tried to coerce her into having an abortion. Apparently, abortion had its place, when it came to protecting his own self-important backside. The special election to fill his seat resulted in a shockwave win by Democrat, Conor Lamb.

The “That is Definitely Not My Job Description” Award: Trent Franks.

This Republican Arizona lawmaker was forced to resign after it was revealed that he approached  female staff members with a request that one of them agree to act as a surrogate by carrying his child – presumably utilizing the fun method of impregnation. 

The “I Really Thought This Was Part of My Benefits Package” Award: Patrick Meehan.  

Compared with the other members of this club, it might not seem like such a big deal that this Republican lawmaker settled his sexual harassment claim brought by a female aide by paying her off with taxpayer money (which the House kept secret until House women forced open the closet door), but he made the list because he had to resign his position on the House Committee on…wait for it…wait for it…The House Committee on ETHICS! He will not be seeking re-election.

The Creepiest Judge in History Award: Roy Moore.

He almost made it to Congress as Alabama’s replacement for Jeff Sessions. I think when you get thrown out of a shopping mall for having a history of stalking young girls, you probably shouldn’t go to Congress, or ever have presided over a trial, or ever be allowed within twenty feet of an elementary school.

Of course there have been some recent sex-related scandals in the Democratic Party. But, none of them possess the entertaining weirdness of those on this special list. Democrats will take back the House in November. And some of them will behave badly. Let’s not forget to skewer them when they do.

But, until then, I just need to survive Trump.

My timer just sounded. It was set for exactly two minutes.

THIS COULD GET INTERESTING!

Trump is a no-rules street fighter. He will kick, bite, spit, smash your head with a rock, taunt you, hide brass knuckles under his glove, and stomp on your face when you are down and unable to get up. Then, he will stand over your supine body and gloat.

If you choose to take him on, and you have your own personal code of conduct, you are likely to lose. You may observe gentlemanly rules, or a sense of mercy, or may fear becoming or even appearing to become the animal that Trump, the street fighter, is.

And you will have played into his hands. You see him as a dirty fighter. He sees you as weak, because you don’t have what it takes to be dirty enough to win.

Strength is prominent in Trump’s mental word cloud.

What other candidate can you think of, who in a televised debate with his female opponent would have paraded-in her husband’s female sex crime accusers? You cannot think of one, can you?

Jeff Flake is clearly disgusted, but there is no street fighter in Jeff Flake or Bob Corker, or Jeb Bush, or Mitt Romney, or any other decent Republican, whose stomach turns with each insult, firing, and reckless tweet.

So how do we survive Trump when, every day, we are subjected to the street fighter’s sucker punches on our democracy and its institutions? How do we hang in there when the mid-term elections seem years away and when Mueller and his band of untouchables methodically do their detective work behind an unmovable curtain, providing us with little instant gratification?

If politicians cannot or will not get down and dirty to take on the Menace-in-Chief, who will?

Maybe a lawyer will.

Not just any lawyer, but one who delights in outmaneuvering opposing lawyers.

Not just any lawyer, but one who will say and do whatever it takes, stopping short of being Trump-ugly.

Not just any lawyer but one who loves the adrenaline rush.

Not just any lawyer but one who has the perfect client for his mission.

Enter Michael Avenatti!

He is a lawyer who loves the big stage, loves to provoke his opponents, and loves playing high stakes chess with the law.

He is a classier street fighter.

He represents Stormy Daniels.

And he drives race cars at Le Mans and Daytona. Could Donald Trump race a car at 190 miles per hour in the pouring rain?

Probably not, but maybe that’s an apt metaphor for where he is taking the country.

Avenatti and Stormy Daniels are on 60 Minutes this Sunday. He has talked-up this interview all week, but has been tight-lipped on any blockbusters that might be revealed.

He just might top 190, so you are advised to buckle up!

And this is the end of my exhausting two minutes.

TRUMP IS OUTRAGED AND YOU SHOULD BE TOO!

Under the heading of The United States of America Trying to Survive Trump (excluding the 35 to 40 percent who still like him, love him, or just don’t want to think about how they voted for Freddy Krueger), it has been an especially hectic week.

Porn star, Stormy Daniels picks up steam.

Bob Mueller crosses “the red line,” subpoenaing Trump Organization records.

Trump fires his secretary of state, Rex Tillerson – by Twitter.

Porn star, Stormy Daniels picks up steam. Sorry, I had to say that one more time.

Democrat, Conor Lamb wins a very big special election in a deep red district in Pennsylvania.

Because of those big stories, it is possible that you missed this small gem:

So, Donald Trump was in Missouri, giving a fundraising speech. You know that trade reciprocity is big with the Donald. He uses that term a lot. Reciprocity is really not his word, but he likes saying it. Fairness is his word. I think Stephen Miller probably gave him reciprocity. Stephen Miller strikes me as a reciprocity guy, not a fairness guy.

Anyway, Donald Trump needed to deliver his specialty punch, kind of the Joe Frazier left hook to the side of the head. This specialty punch bangs home the fact that we are a country of pathetic suckers, because every president before him was either too stupid or too chicken to negotiate a good trade deal for America.

So, how do you think Japan manages to keep U.S. car companies from getting a foothold in the Japanese market?

It’s simple and brilliant. It’s the Bowling Ball Test.

As Trump explained to his audience, “Somebody takes a bowling ball and drops it from twenty feet up in the air onto the hood of a car. If the hood dents, the car doesn’t qualify.”

He went on say, “It’s horrible the way they treat us. It’s horrible!”

I don’t know if there has been an official response from the Japanese government, but I think it’s safe to say that they are still in the head-scratching phase.

As for me, I am waiting until there’s video. I’ll bet those trade-riggers didn’t drop a bowling ball on a Chevy Tahoe. I think the Tahoe would have passed. It’s a big solid car. If Trump were a car, he might be a Tahoe -- gold plated, of course.

Nobody is sure where he got this story, and with strange news dropping fast, there is no time to figure it out.

Sarah Sanders said that he was "obviously joking." She says that a lot.

And it's good enough for me.

And that is my two minutes, for now.