A QUICK SEX SCANDAL REVIEW OF THE PARTY IN POWER

There is a lot to cover here, and because I am limited to two minutes, I will have to talk fast. So please pay attention.

Number One on The Hit Parade: Stormy Daniels, Of Course!

Thanks to her never-letting-up lawyer, Michael Avenatti, who keeps his client under the spotlight, with legal maneuvers and schoolyard taunts of the Orange Man and the Orange Man’s hatchet man, Michael Cohen, Stormy’s smiling face (and other famous parts) are just about inescapable. Avenatti is having fun with this. Stormy is having fun with this. Donald Trump, not so much.

The Best Trophy Girlfriend Award: Playboy Model, Karen McDougal.

For ten months, until she says that she broke it off, she was his mistress. Normally, it’s bad P.R. for a married man to be traveling around with a woman who is not his wife, instead of with the woman who is his wife. Fortunately, this president makes his own alternative P.R. -- which is just fine for those who enjoy alternative facts.

The Unappreciative Apprentice Award: Summer Zervos.

She says that Donald Trump didn’t just say, “You’re fired!” he made unwanted sexual advances. He says she’s a liar. Now, she is suing for defamation of character. The courts said the suit can proceed. When it does, there will be a discovery phase. When Paula Jones sued Bill Clinton, it was the discovery phase that led to Monica Lewinski’s icky dress. And that is what led to Bill Clinton’s impeachment.

The Bizarre Hypocrisy Award: Tim Murphy.

This Pennsylvania Republican, a vehemently anti-abortion lawmaker, was forced to resign after it was revealed that, upon learning that his mistress was pregnant with his child, he tried to coerce her into having an abortion. Apparently, abortion had its place, when it came to protecting his own self-important backside. The special election to fill his seat resulted in a shockwave win by Democrat, Conor Lamb.

The “That is Definitely Not My Job Description” Award: Trent Franks.

This Republican Arizona lawmaker was forced to resign after it was revealed that he approached  female staff members with a request that one of them agree to act as a surrogate by carrying his child – presumably utilizing the fun method of impregnation. 

The “I Really Thought This Was Part of My Benefits Package” Award: Patrick Meehan.  

Compared with the other members of this club, it might not seem like such a big deal that this Republican lawmaker settled his sexual harassment claim brought by a female aide by paying her off with taxpayer money (which the House kept secret until House women forced open the closet door), but he made the list because he had to resign his position on the House Committee on…wait for it…wait for it…The House Committee on ETHICS! He will not be seeking re-election.

The Creepiest Judge in History Award: Roy Moore.

He almost made it to Congress as Alabama’s replacement for Jeff Sessions. I think when you get thrown out of a shopping mall for having a history of stalking young girls, you probably shouldn’t go to Congress, or ever have presided over a trial, or ever be allowed within twenty feet of an elementary school.

Of course there have been some recent sex-related scandals in the Democratic Party. But, none of them possess the entertaining weirdness of those on this special list. Democrats will take back the House in November. And some of them will behave badly. Let’s not forget to skewer them when they do.

But, until then, I just need to survive Trump.

My timer just sounded. It was set for exactly two minutes.

TRUMP IS OUTRAGED AND YOU SHOULD BE TOO!

Under the heading of The United States of America Trying to Survive Trump (excluding the 35 to 40 percent who still like him, love him, or just don’t want to think about how they voted for Freddy Krueger), it has been an especially hectic week.

Porn star, Stormy Daniels picks up steam.

Bob Mueller crosses “the red line,” subpoenaing Trump Organization records.

Trump fires his secretary of state, Rex Tillerson – by Twitter.

Porn star, Stormy Daniels picks up steam. Sorry, I had to say that one more time.

Democrat, Conor Lamb wins a very big special election in a deep red district in Pennsylvania.

Because of those big stories, it is possible that you missed this small gem:

So, Donald Trump was in Missouri, giving a fundraising speech. You know that trade reciprocity is big with the Donald. He uses that term a lot. Reciprocity is really not his word, but he likes saying it. Fairness is his word. I think Stephen Miller probably gave him reciprocity. Stephen Miller strikes me as a reciprocity guy, not a fairness guy.

Anyway, Donald Trump needed to deliver his specialty punch, kind of the Joe Frazier left hook to the side of the head. This specialty punch bangs home the fact that we are a country of pathetic suckers, because every president before him was either too stupid or too chicken to negotiate a good trade deal for America.

So, how do you think Japan manages to keep U.S. car companies from getting a foothold in the Japanese market?

It’s simple and brilliant. It’s the Bowling Ball Test.

As Trump explained to his audience, “Somebody takes a bowling ball and drops it from twenty feet up in the air onto the hood of a car. If the hood dents, the car doesn’t qualify.”

He went on say, “It’s horrible the way they treat us. It’s horrible!”

I don’t know if there has been an official response from the Japanese government, but I think it’s safe to say that they are still in the head-scratching phase.

As for me, I am waiting until there’s video. I’ll bet those trade-riggers didn’t drop a bowling ball on a Chevy Tahoe. I think the Tahoe would have passed. It’s a big solid car. If Trump were a car, he might be a Tahoe -- gold plated, of course.

Nobody is sure where he got this story, and with strange news dropping fast, there is no time to figure it out.

Sarah Sanders said that he was "obviously joking." She says that a lot.

And it's good enough for me.

And that is my two minutes, for now.

I AM SURVIVING TRUMP A LITTLE BETTER TODAY

A woman, interviewed by an NBC reporter, said of Conor Lamb, “He is every mother’s dream.”

Yesterday, the voters of Pennsylvania’s 18^th congressional district, which voted for Trump by 20 percentage points, got the opportunity to vote for him again.

Republican, Rick Saccone, had advertised himself as being “Trump before Trump was Trump.” The voters could not have been presented with a more clear-cut choice.

They could cast a vote for every mother’s dream or they could cast a vote for Rosemary’s baby.

So, while we are still living our own Nightmare on Elm Street, our first new hero has arrived on the scene to save the day. There will be others. They were carefully selected, or at least blessed, by party leaders, not because they fit a national profile, but because they fit the citizens of their districts. A lot of them, men and women, have military backgrounds, some with combat experience. Not an easy task to brand them as soft-on-crime, soft-on-defense, Nancy Pelosi Liberals.

On election eve, Rick Saccone, fearing a loss, said the Democratic Party was being energized by “hatred for our country, God, and our president.”

Here are some of the anti-American, God-hating qualities exhibited by Conor Lamb and soon to be inflicted on the nation by some of the mid-term candidates:

(You might try saying each word aloud, while conjuring an image of Donald Trump.)

Intelligence

Integrity

Honesty

Humility

Discipline

Modesty

For sure, not every Democratic candidate will be every mother’s dream. Good, because that might be rather boring. I think that most of them will be decent human beings. Democrat, Republican, Liberal, Progressive, Moderate, Conservative, I believe they will help set a new tone.

Now, with another deep red district turning blue, we can wait for more incumbent Republicans to announce their decisions not to run for re-election. They of course have decided to spend more time with their families. Their decisions will have nothing to do with the writing on the wall – not to be confused with Trump’s wall with Mexico.

My two-minute buzzer just went off.

TRUMP DOPES-UP IN PITTSBURGH

From the moment he stepped to the podium, we knew. This would not be a ringing endorsement for Rick Saccone, Republican candidate for Pennsylvania’s 18^th congressional district. 

Instead, this would be yet another gorging of dopamine, endorphins, and testosterone, for a man who cannot function without his fix -- a fix that requires an ever increasing dose of his drugs of choice.

It began last night with the screaming cheers from an adoring crowd. It heightened with his self-back slapping for saving the Winter Olympics, single-handedly producing record job numbers, bringing back manufacturing, especially steel and aluminum – so important to an audience yearning to regain yesterday’s economic and social status and yesterday’s reality.

But false boasting is never enough.

There must be a full buffet of delicious insults. The recipients included the usual suspects: The Fake News Media, Nancy Pelosi, Elizabeth Warren, Obama, Hillary, low IQ Maxine Waters, spiced up with light pokes at George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, George H.W. Bush, and even Ronald Reagan. To fully claim his position on the pinnacle of his own Mt. Olympus, he will need to demote Reagan (“Sorry Ron, you’re demoted!”) before he deals with the fake stature of Lincoln.

This 75-minute ego-feast in Pittsburgh evened the score with all of the small minded, insignificant, jealous losers who dared challenge him.

Oh, wait a minute! One loser went unmentioned. Trump would have loved to utter the name of his almost invisible nemesis, Robert Mueller, for whom he has probably already come up with a disparaging nickname.

But for now, the lawyers hold him in check, depriving him of the joy of taking on the relentless prosecutor on Trump-adoring turf.

Finally, with his ego fed and bursting at the seams, it was at last time to make room for the local candidate. Rick Saccone stepped to the podium with a loud, scratchy, screaming voice, but with almost nothing to say.

And that was just fine for the headliner. Sharing a spotlight with anyone, friend or foe, could be kind of a buzz-kill.

Oh, and “Lamb the Sham?” Will that nickname for the Democratic challenger stick and seep into the brains of Trump Democrats, traditional Republicans, and independent voters who go to the polls on Tuesday?

Trump can sell that stuff in Trump World. Trump can sell almost anything in Trump World, but college educated women have turned their backs on the school yard bully with the fifth grade vocabulary.

And, Conor Lamb won’t take the bait.

And, my two minutes are up.